Well, Darn

So, apparently, my last post was either in vain or it just didn't work or it hasn't been read yet. Nothing really feels like it has changed and I'm just stressed constantly. Whether it's about this whole stupid situation with a friend, how stressful work is, or uncertainties, I'm getting stressed out. If he doesn't want to just settle this and move the fuck on, then I don't know what to do. I can't exactly let the stress remain there forever.

I was probably foolish for ever thinking a blog post would work. For starters, I doubt my blog means anything to anyone other than myself. Which was really its intention, so I suppose it lived up to what it was meant to accomplish. On top of that, he's obviously so upset or disappointed in the whole situation that things will never be the same again and I should just set the whole thing behind me and move on. I'd hate to think that just a mere month and a half after my wedding, I managed to piss my best man off to the point where things could never be the same again.

At least my intentions are sincere. I really don't know how to deal with this stress other than just to clam shell up!

A Public Apology to a Friend

I intended no malice nor harm with my recent actions or with this post.

I suppose my actions weren't really malicious in any way, other than dropping the "f word" a few times. What I have to ask is why exactly we have communicated so poorly in the last two weeks? It seems that when I try to talk to you, all I get is a dickish remark and a stinging regret for bothering you. We were good friends before; why can't we just be straight (as in cooooool)?

I know I pretty much ruined the day two weeks ago with a stupid mistake, but you must realize by now that I woke up that morning and have yet to stop regretting everything from that day. I'm writing this after laying in my bed for half an hour, trying to think of the best and nicest way possible to handle this that feels like my own idea. So this is the only thing I could think of; a public apology, a recognition of errors, a collection of words dedicated to laying out why I failed and how I could have done better. Everyone else insists I should initiate a "calling out of idiosyncrasies" session, but I just want to be peaceful.

I am entirely sorry for my mistake and, unlike I have certainly done before, I am accepting full responsibility for my lapse in responsibility. I've already gone over in my head what I should have done differently, how I should have handled myself, and at the end of the day, I feel like a completely irresponsible adult, viewed upon as a potential dead beat and failure. That's certainly no way to live or think.

I understand the feeling you must have; the feeling of having undependable and disappointing friends. I arose disappointed as well. Yet, to be honest, I was far more disappointed in myself and worried about how mad or upset you were at me rather than the opportunity missed. I just can't feel sorry for this forever, though; I need to settle things in order to carry on. That is, with or without you as a continued friend.

If you so desire, I'm willing to talk about this specific post, as well as everything else. This is not an act of passive aggressiveness either, as this post is, insofar as I know, visible to only 3 select people, 2 of which have their minutes numbered. I would be more than happy to make this public to the world or keep it held private. I just didn't know how else to go about getting this across to you -- I figured an outright conversation at this point in time might be dangerous, threatening, and, ultimately, depressing.

Life has been busy. Certainly for both of us. But I certainly miss the potentialities of hanging out, the ramblings of our favorite sport, and the storied history we both share. So I ask for you to just think about what I've said, and if at the end of the week you want to talk, then I'm totally down for talking. Otherwise...good luck with all your future endeavors.

Someone important to me once said this; "You just can't rely on people, no matter who they are. They will always let you down."

Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.

Learning to Walk Again

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I've got papers to write, things to memorize, and presentations to give. In the middle of it all, I'm dealing with a slight depression, brought on by something I never thought I'd be depressed about: the big change coming in my life, regarding work flow.

I got a taste over the weekend when I took the first actual break since months ago. A break where I didn't actually think about all the things due and what needed to be done tonight and the next night. I sat and was relaxed. Yet...I wasn't relaxed. I was anxious, feeling as though someone was watching me and I was wrong for not doing work in some form. I felt like I was letting someone down, that I was wasting everyone's time.

I used to be able to relax pretty well. This year has been different, as I've had a variety of stresses, that I just haven't given everything up for a night. And now I'm thinking it'll take some getting used to going back to not being deeply involved with something. With no professional job as of right now, I have to focus my energy on something. I mean, I'll always have my demo reels, but in actuality, I may have those finished as early as next week, when I legit have nothing left to do and most people have moved out.

I believe the solution in this problem is found in moderation. I have to slowly test the waters, feel around and make sure I have my footing as I ease into relaxation and the next project. I hope that I will make something of myself in the coming years and I know that I have the talent to do such. But until then, I have to learn how to relax again.

I'm tired of feeling depressed, of feeling like if I'm not doing something, then I'm completely worthless. I know that I will get through this, but I have to fight the desire to just toss it all up again. I have to learn to walk again, before I can run.

The Cesspool of the American College

I've been undercover for a few days, going deeper into the workings of a college "hierarchy," socially speaking. I'm extremely disappointed.

Maybe it's just the college, but it seems like a majority of people never really escape the high school mentality. This doesn't come any clearer than through the business department, who make every class just like the ones in high school -- obnoxious and crude. I hate the jokes and topical natures of this group of people, as they just seem like bodies within suits without souls.

However, most of what I've seen recently comes from the frat circles. Honestly? It's disgusting; I thought for sure the stereotypical male attitude of always wanting sex from multiple partners was just a plot device in 80s movies to make you dislike the antagonist more. Turns out it was all based on true, real people!

Most of my disdain comes from those who make a mockery of monogamy, as they fail to realize the struggles they create within the very person of those they hurt. I don't have much to say, really, as I don't see the merit in delving deeper into specifics, but, please, if you break up with your significant other and then try to get back with them, don't attempt to have a plan B or C -- it never ends well, and, if you were half the capable partner that you might think you are, you'd put all that energy towards your plan A.

Regardless, it seems like shit never changes. Ideals are crushed at the hands of the public, and those that had dreams, dream no longer.

The Future

I realize at times that I can be a pretty flip-floppy guy. I often change my feelings on many issues, people, and ideas. Like right now, I don't know if I should keep my hair long and this killer goatee goin'. I have frequently felt pretty uncertain about my involvement on what I used to call "my senior project," like I was graduating from elementary school. I would easily find it common if people called me floppy disk.

Or not, as that is clearly an awful nickname.

As someone who has six weeks left in the most hectic time of his life (school related), I can clearly see that nothing actually matters. 50 some odd days to finish the work that I have to finish, but also 50 days left to spend with the likes of my friends, whom I might not see again. 50 days to work on a project I'm exhausted with and a paper I don't have any ideas for, but also 50 days to be myself in this environment. None of these things are worth holding me back.

So, in totality, I should treat everything like I am doing it for fun and because it's my last chance to do this stuff. I will soon be a boring, fully grown adult, and have responsibilities. Even sooner, I'll be married, with bills and more life to live.

Even though I find myself to be rather flippity-flop in all sorts of respects, you can't expect life to stay constant either. I think that's a pretty good excuse; I mean, if I attempt to find some middle ground, isn't there the fear that life will throw some curve ball that changes everything?

What I'm trying to say, is that I will soon have a graduation montage to be a part of, and then everything changes in its entirety.

Award Ceremony Criticism

I am certainly not a fan of award ceremonies. As such, when "big" nights roll around like tonight, when the Academy Awards are presented, I present the idea of me watching the ceremonies satirically and find myself doing activities that I actually enjoy, instead of being guaranteed for disappointment.


Before continuing, you should know that I don't disapprove of the concept of award ceremonies. I love the ideal ceremony; deserving actors, directors and workers in the business get rewarded for their convincing performances, phenomenal ideas, and hard work. However, that's just it -- This is an ideal concept. Every winner is trivialized for various reasons.

My biggest problem with any of these ceremonies is the ridiculous approach of attempting to shoehorn a massive amount of content into so few categories (in comparision), that nothing seems fair. Looking straight at the Grammys (because I feel it's the most prevalent there), there is an ungodly amount of music produced in one year, and certainly not enough ears to listen to all of it and then judge on all categories fairly. So, the attention is then focused on what sold the most and what generated the most buzz. This severely limits the amount of music that then is put up for possible awards, then the best seven or so are given a free ride on the hype train to hell, until they reveal which "big surprise" won the category. Yay for music!

I will say that the approach to awards with "sold and buzz" is a very clean idea; clean as in it makes the most sense, as that specific media was popular to the point where it garnered a lot of public attention. However, as any good researcher knows, consumers are simple-minded -- they fail to do a lot of their own research, choosing to let the media do research for them. Most people won't look into a new product for themselves with an open mind, attempting to find all the pros and cons, ultimately weighing the consequences. Rather, they choose to watch advertisements and trailers, follow popular people's opinions, or decide what to buy based on reviews.

Advertising, then, in this sense, has the capability to create the buzz that a media product needs to make it to the medium's respective awards ceremony. Following this trend of thinking, it becomes a matter of who has the most money and when the movie was released. "Oscar Season" is a pivotal time for those directors and producers who are looking to score in the ultimate, publicity-based game show -- the Academy Awards. Releasing at a time when the cutoff date is just around the corner, using that lateness to stay fresh in the minds of the critics and Academy members.

Why do I even have a problem with these ceremonies? Because it causes people to want to go see the movies that win or get nominated. Why is this a bad thing? It's the same reason I hate reviews of movies or albums or anything as such that give an artistic work a number or letter, in hopes of grading it appropriately; there is very little independent thought involved. This is not an argument of "I saw it before it got popular" -- this is arguing for people to use their cognitive abilities to discern and define their own tastes. I am certainly against pop culture for a multitude of reasons, but the one reason I will always stand behind is the idea that it breeds and fosters to inhibit people's ability to think for themselves. An anecdote will help me here.

My sister is a 15 year old girl; she is in the heart of pop culture. She goes to school and receives feedback from her friends about what to watch, listen to, and ultimately like. As a result of this, she spends her time watching Jersey Shore and listening to Lady Gaga, recently buying a $80 North Face jacket. When I asked why she does these things, she responded with, "Because that's what my friends watch/listen to/have!" I spent a good 15 minutes attempting to get her to buy a much cheaper jacket that was much more colorful. She repeatedly said no.

Where's my point? Pop culture, in her case, makes it so she "has to have or be a part of something" in order to be "in". How is what is "in" decided? By the products that are advertised best, or, less frequently, have a notoriety for being the better product. This all seems to hark back to the age old "everyone else is doing it" mentalities.

Genres play a role in my argument that is so large, I think I should just say "Genres" and force you, as the reader, to think about my possible arguments.

My final thoughts; I see the point of award ceremonies. They award great people in the industry. I deeply respect that, as the people who work the hardest should be recognized. However, oftentimes, there are sometimes swaying when total sales are involved, or (especially) when the media in question has the use of a person the industry likes and whom they think should be "rewarded" for winning their approval, ultimately resulting in that production making more money. It is this gross perversion that makes me tired of award ceremonies.

To end, I think the best way to handle these ceremonies would be to approach it like a Groundhog's Day thing. The Academy members adopt a child who is then forced into captivity, effectively keeping it from all forms of media, bias, and advertising, and is raised to be in it's mid-twenties. The child is properly educated and told stories of the movies of old, and shown a select handful; One per decade, to be specific. Finally, at the end of the season, when it's time to decide the winners, all the Academy members seal themselves off in a dark cave for about three months; it is during this time they all watch the most popular movies of the year, and each one of them has to also nominate a movie that grossed less than $15 million dollars. Every member then watches all these movies together, discussing them afterwards, refusing to get in any confrontational situation, defending or attacking any of the entries. Then, emerging from their cave in a fashion bigger than Jesus Christ's resurrection, these media moguls announce the six nominations. No more and no less. Then, around Groundhog's Day, they expose the adopted child to the sunlight and make him watch all six movies; one per week, starting on Sunday. He is then asked a series of questions for a day, then asked to ponder and consider the movie in its own rights for the remaining five days. At the end of this process, the child decides which movie was really the best. And then no one can say anything negative about the winner, ever.

If they do, they are killed.

Why the Sonic Fanbase is Terribly Horrifying

The reason for this post is mainly because I am a Sonic fan, and, without a doubt, the Sonic fanbase is a prime example of how criticism just isn't understood. Not a prime example for the internet for several reasons, but still a great example to show why the internet has ruined criticism. The idea of face to face communication has been destroyed, with people opting to use the net to attack someone who has an idea or has created something they clearly do not like.

The best example lies in the release of a Sonic fan film sequel and a one minute teaser for another "possible" animated Sonic fan film. To give a taste of the reception of the sequel, the fanbase, demonstrating the ignorance of not understanding how difficult and costly it can be to produce a "good" (by present standards) independent film, tore it to shreds. On one hand, I agree with the base, as the film was not a good film, much less a good Sonic "thing". I have yet to actually watch it, but from the sounds of it, it sounds messy. In this sense, I cannot criticize it, as I have not seen it. From what I have read, however, the fan base takes it to the extreme and makes fun of the whole cast and crew in that movie, totally tearing the director to pieces.

As for the animated proposal, after a long year of promises and anecdotes, Richard Kuta (the director of the project) finally released a one minute animated piece that, to be honest, wasn't very good. The issues surrounding the whole thing, production wise, made it understandable why it was terrible -- animation was outsourced to a foreign company who could not speak fluent English (native language of Kuta), so there were great communication problems. On top of that, it was literally animated in Flash, with an After Effects filter thrown on.

Regardless, it took less than 48 hours for the fanbase to notice all the things wrong with it and repeat them repetitively. Supposedly, people sent death threats (trolls?) and that's what has inspired me to go on a long rant about this whole issue. Kuta's earlier drafts of his script were leaked mere weeks before this reveal, and people were quick to rip into that. I didn't read the script, but I can't imagine going into it and coming out feeling the need to tell everyone what was so dumb and stupid and pointless about it. You can't really go into that and expect the best Hollywood-caliber script possible. Instead, people were talking about pacing, dialogue, character development, and plot structure, as if a thousand dramatists had crawled out of the walls.

The biggest point of contention for both of these big projects is that "they didn't understand the subject material and frequently proved that." What baffles me is how these supposed "leaders" of the fanbase know everything and have the right to tell people that their offshoots and ideas are wrong and not good because of that.

What this effectively does is frighten off possible members (and all their ideas, too) from attempting to join any discussions. How do I know this? Because I've been on that fence for years now, and I just can't imagine attempting to socialize with these people. I'd be afraid that no one would care or listen to anything I have to say, or they would tell me that my opinions and ideas are wrong and to just leave them at the door. Hell, I've been in situations like that with them. I've never seen such a level of negative energy collect in one place before, and it doesn't help when the big players continue to spread and infect the negativity. It encourages those potential newcomers to join their ranks to be accepted, which is mighty appealing to someone in that situation.

I think it's a case where the entire group has lost their sense of humor, humility, and passion. I'm sure a large part of that is because of the terrible Sonic games that have come out, but what's the point of hating something you used to love to the point where you can't approach it with rose-tinted glasses, but rather hatred and spite? There's a fine, thin line these people are drawing between the fanbase and the "anti-fanbase," and it's culminating in a total disaster. It all has the smell of "I never got over that one horrible Sonic game," and I can't believe how grudge-centric these people are, over a series of video games, an activity that is meant to be entertainment and not a political campaign.

And here I am, glad to not be a part of it! How good it feels to be positive!

Don't Hold Back

I went to a concert today. I specifically went for Jukebox the Ghost, who were opening for Hellogoodbye. It was awesome. All the bands were good, except for Hellogoodbye, who I only stayed for their first note. It's not that I didn't like them; there were a lot of factors behind leaving early.

I know that those who went with me are going to be sick of me talking about this, but I was amazed when I almost walked right into Jukebox's pianist (Ben). Those guys were all over the place all night, really just willing to talk to their fans. I couldn't believe it and it took me so long to work up the courage to just say "hello" to them. Sure enough, after their vendor gave me a free poster and a sharpie, I was approaching the guitarist (Tommy) when the drummer (Jesse) walked by and made eye contact with me. I almost threw up as he said "hello!" He was all down with signing the poster, and told me to wait for the Tommy to finish his game of Galaga. Of course, I probably shouldn't have pressured him, but it was fun watching him play a game I have a hard time not playing when I see an old cabinet. He was still happy to sign the poster. Later, I got Ben's signature and got to have a conversation with all of them.

I couldn't believe they were that laid back! It was such an awesome experience and I will admit that I will be at every one of their shows that I can. They are the coolest musicians I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of my other favorites. They totally sold me on their future endeavors and I hope they are just like Metallica -- they won't quit making music.

Regardless, I implore any readers to never hold yourself back when it comes to meeting the people you "idolize" (for lack of better words). These guys were the greatest and I have such an awesome experience to share, that it was worth all the nerve I had to put into talking to these guys. I totally sound like such a nerd, as I'm talking about something as simple as meeting 20-something year old guys who just like to make music. To me, though, this is like a metal fan meeting Ozzy Osbourne or a pop fan meeting Lady Gaga, on a much smaller scale.

This post didn't have much substance, but, man, at 1 in the morning, I have to share that story with someone!

Reflection

I wanted to take this post and use it to apologize for my previous posts. I'm not really compassionate if someone gets offended with my views, but only in this type of blog setting. In real life, I refuse to force what I believe on anyone. I think I need to make it clear that I've been using this to flesh out and complete the topics that spurn in my mind. I would love to discuss one of these topics with anyone that would like to, but I won't ever tell someone they are wrong. Maybe that makes me weak-willed, but I really think I'm just passive and laid back (to an extent).

I also realize that some of these things are odd opinions, presented harshly. I want to be stronger and more certain in the things I feel, so I've been pushing my writing to be particularly aggressive. I have recently thought, however, how the people who hold the opinions I attack and degenerate in various posts might feel if they read this, and the last thing I want is to come off as a zealot who won't talk to people who don't share my opinion. Trust me, if you actually talk to me, I often don't get into these opinions. I'd much rather talk music or art or listen to your opinions.

I will admit that as of late I have been a bad listener. But it is noted and, as such, will be fixed.

I have found that I am deeply struggling with insomnia. At the beginning of the month, I used to sleep at 3 and 4 AM. Now I don't get to sleep until around 5 AM. I just sit there, with a lot of thoughts running, unable to sleep or even do meaningful work. I think it's because I'm mostly alone here this semester, allowing me to just attempt to get all the things I want done, done. Yet, the radio station work is far behind, my demo reel has only begun, and I'm all out of sweet tea.

Before, when my fiancée was here, she was my anchor for sleep. She'd go to bed and I usually didn't stay up for more than an hour later. At first, I felt annoyed by this, as I didn't like sleeping so early. Plus, it inhibited my work flow. But now, I see the importance, as I have a strange "fear" of going to sleep. It makes me feel lonely and trapped. So then I lay there and struggle with that, and I'm back to where I started. I usually just watch South Park or try and listen to some music as I drift off.

Two Door Cinema Club and Scouting For Girls are the two bands I've been very impressed with lately. Both had albums released last year that are very appealing.

Another quick note: I am now writing for the "The Collegian's" website, offering my opinion on various, lesser-known bands. As of February 14th, 2011, there is one, but there are many more on their way.

I really love to write and I wish I had to do a thesis.

The Concept of Dreams and Aspirations II; Why "Finding Yourself" is Not the Right Goal

I need to finish this series.

Speaking of personal dreams and goals, I have the stand point that telling people that you have "feel good" dreams and goals, just as "Finding myself" and "Being the best me I can be" are actually detrimental to yourself. Again, the point of this whole idea is to just share some points that hopefully cause you to abandon your "b'aww" dreams and narrow and specify your goals so that you may see them through to the end, not to necessarily cause you to abandon all hope for the world.

When I started college in the beginning of 2007, I had no dreams or aspirations. I had thought about studying theatre and attempting to be an actor, but I really hate the environment leading up to opening night. (Side note: right after opening night, I love being in a play. I just hate everything before that.) I started my college career by going to a technical college to study graphic design, because I kinda liked playing with Photoshop. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life, as I didn't have very many things that I loved to do.

After one year there, I realized that slacking was no way to start something so important, so I decided to go to Ashland University to study Radio and Television. I came to the school with the personal goal to try and break out of the shell I had formed throughout high school. Sure enough, I met my fiancée the first day on campus and got to know so many cool people. Now, I'm looking back and I see where the person I know as myself today was created.

The past four years is a testament to why I think going into college thinking "I'm going to find out who I am" is very detrimental to your character. I came to Ashland thinking I knew myself, but the 18 year old me was very different to who I am today; laid back, simple, and focused.

The time I spent alone did play a large factor in building my character. I whole-heartedly believe that everyone needs to really spend time with themselves to find who they are. I spent a lot of time alone, turning over in my head all the events that occurred around me and all the people around me. I think approaching this type of concept without thinking "I need to find me" is so very important; you'll become hyper-focused on "trying to find yourself" that you won't actually open yourself up to finding the things that you like and the people that you enjoy being with. Finding yourself really happens when you aren't thinking about it and always happens when you are just living life.

Friends are the next pivotal point in this equation. It is undeniable that your peers can shape you for better or for worse. It's self-explanatory, in all honesty. I spent a lot of time with philosophy majors for most of my time here, so much so that I actually picked up many of their traits (although not to the full extent, obviously). Approaching friends with the mindset "I'm trying to find yourself" can really make you think too much about the people you choose to be friends with. Making friends should be natural, not selective, and I believe that if you are trying to find yourself consciously, you will judge the people you meet, choosing (from first impressions, mind you) friends based on their morals and choices, rather than just who they are personality wise.

A quick note; focusing too much on who your peers are can also have a very bad effect on your identity. People who invest all their time into their friends and the things they like to do can find themselves lost when they are without them. There is also the possibility that you will lose your identity as a result of attempting to please your friends, adopting another such identity to conform to what they deem "normal" and "satisfactory". Of course, this is a whole other world, one which a friend of mine (Chris Williams) wrote his thesis on just last semester. It was quite superb, and I am a bad friend for not attending his thesis defense. (He now writes independently for an online journal based out of CA, in case you were curious.)

There's always the possible danger of settling on the first thing you consider "yourself" to be.

As mentioned before, it's entirely possible to end up not being able to actually become someone you should have been, because you become too focused on who you think you are. In this respect, there is also the problem that hyper-focusing on such an issue will cause you to settle on the first thing you consider "yourself" to be. This would be a very bad thing to do, as the first thing you may think you are is usually not who you actually are. If I had done this, I would have ended up marrying a bitch.

Hyper-focusing can also change your personality at will, multiple times, which is ultimately the worst possible thing that can happen. Finding yourself is not a forced concept; it's a very natural thing. So, literally, "finding who you are" will happen naturally without thinking about it. It's impossible to find yourself under the couch, or behind the stove, because "yourself" is an idea, not a tangible object. So how exactly would it be possible to find yourself if you are specifically looking for it? Besides that, there are so many environmental factors out of your control: I haven't even discussed how the economy, media, and family shape this concept.

In summation, I am certainly not telling you that you are wrong if one of your aspirations is to really understand yourself and know who you are. I believe that is a very noble concept, and I think it should be something everyone subconsciously desires. But, again, hunting for something that is subconscious is slightly redundant.

There's more to be said here, as I believe this is a tender topic. So, please, finding yourself interested means you should do research, instead of listening to some loser like me blog about it.

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
                                      --George Bernard Shaw

Reveling in Mediocrity

There's a trend that's bothered me throughout school. When peers bragged about the amount of work they didn't do and came out of the class with an A or some other acceptable grade for them. "I didn't even study and I got an A!" "I started that project the night before and made up a few of my sources and I didn't get caught!" "I passed the class with a C, but I don't care, cause I didn't have to do any of the work..." and the likes.

What bothers me about it, after years of experiencing it and hearing it, is not the fact that it was easy for them to do such or they got away with it or I can't do those kinds of things. It's the fact that those people make mediocrity a lifestyle. I've had plenty of tests and projects and classes in general that I've breezed through. I'd go as far to say that I haven't failed anything in school yet. Papers are time consuming and tests require studying, while projects are generally easy. I've never truly "busted my ass" when it came to classes.

I think there's a difference in how I live my life, however. I like a good challenge, I've always gotten really good grades, and I usually put a lot of my time and efforts into what I do during the day. Shooting footage and editing I put myself into it and don't usually quit until I'm at least somewhat happy with it. On top of that, I don't spend the time that I save by getting drunk or carousing or related activities. Instead, I've invested that time into family, friends, other loved ones, and (admittedly) video games. I always have something I try to do on the side. I don't feel content or happy unless I do. At this moment, I attend all events to help out the campus television station, I'm the Program Director for the campus radio station, I'm the producer/director of a student-produced web series, and I write for the University's newspaper's website.

Now, after listing such, I should have prefaced by saying that I'm not trying to make myself out to be a hero; my main point is found in other people's mediocrity. Posting Facebook statuses about successful slacking, Tweeting about how awesome someone thinks they are for holding a job and not having any other aspirations--I don't really get it. Why exactly are those events or situations things to be proud of? These people are essentially telling the world that they oftentimes get lucky with their studies. Not that they are a good worker, or that they really enjoy their work or actually have a passion that burns within their souls. Instead, they come right out and say that they are lazy assholes who can't be bothered "with the commonalities of the general public, because I'm better than that," (this is, of course, speaking on people who have been bragging about their glory for literally years).

The answer can be found in peers, I feel. If you (the reader) were to take a test with 20 other students, a test you didn't study for, and emerged from the test with a damn good score, would you compare yourself to either those who scored worse, or those who scored better? I guarantee that some people (not all, mind you) would look at their decent score and say "I didn't do anything for this and I did better than egghead over there. I must be a genius!" and thus we find our problem. We revel in our mediocrity because we accomplish something that someone else couldn't. Instead of thinking about how things should have been, these people become hyper-focused on their success over others that it actually causes them to believe that they should keep not studying because they are that good. Positive reinforcement encourages repetitive behavior.

There is also fault to be found in the mainstream media concepts of recent times. There are all sorts of feel good movies about people overcoming diversity because they were different. People that seem normal, not containing any supernatural powers; easily identifiable people. Thus, we raise our offspring to believe that they are different and they will change the world. There's a fine difference to telling your child that they have talent and then telling them that they'll definitely be successful as a result of that talent. And, unfortunately, many of my peers who revel in their humdrum lives were raised on the American Dream, by people that never lived the American Dream.

The American Dream only exists for 5% of the population. It cannot be everyone's destiny; there will always exist a middle-class and lower-class.

In the end, even if it seems uneccessary, work and real effort should be put into all aspects of life.

Why Do Some People Ask Questions First and Experiment Never??

I have had a dilemma during my time here at AU. I transferred in, so I'm a third year graduate. What keeps happening, however, is rather perturbing. I don't hate the people who are responsible, I just feel like I grew up in a totally different generation.

Because of my stature, I am often called when something has gone wrong with the radio station or when someone needs help with editing in Pro-Tools. I used to be called for Avid help too, but ever since we got Final Cut machines, no one really uses Avid. There was one time someone wanted my help with Adobe Premiere...

Anyway! Last week, during our winter storm nightmare, WRDL went off air. Ever since I've been here, I've experienced this about once a year, always during the cold season. For some reason, the transmitter just shuts itself off. In all those previous cases, for the most part, all I've done was just turn it back on, as the directions are right next to the unit to do such. Well, my ops manager sent me a text, telling me she couldn't get any meter readings, and, after some questioning, I realized I'd have to go over there. Not a big deal; I had a small bit of free time at the moment.

When I got over there, without many words, I booted the thing up and it worked fine. She was very surprised, and asked me what I did. I told her, and in turn, I asked her what she tried to do. Turns out, she didn't do anything.

It's really not a big deal, but I've just never had that mentality. If something goes wrong, I try and fix it every way possible (within reason), then I call for help. I've hardly ever had to call for help because of this. I hate to even bring any of this up, but I taught myself Avid because I shot about four hours of interview footage with about half an hour of b-roll and I wanted to make it into a documentary. It took me three days to do such, and I ended up getting into the Advanced Editing class without having to take it's prerequisite. Not to mention, when I got here, there was not one student that knew how to use Pro-Tools effectively and efficiently. So I taught myself that. Of course, with instructor help, I've improved and honed the skills, but I still am surprised other students (in my class at least) didn't seem to care to learn.

I know a lot of tips and tricks for editing just by playing around with different settings and effects. Growing up, I've picked up little bits and pieces from life experiences; I once messed around with my mother's EQ on her stereo because I was bored, and I now have a simple understanding of such. I miss that passion and desire to learn more and become proficient and dependable in my peers. Instead, it seems like either people don't care, or they learn one thing so good that it becomes their primary identifier and they choose not to learn anything else, because they either don't care, or are too prude and stubborn to ever believe that learning something else would be necessary.

I miss the fiery passion I have in those people around me. I miss having people in the editing labs with me, bouncing ideas off each other. I hate that everything in this major seems to be a "my way or no way," with arguments around every corner. I don't understand why people get so invested in the tiniest piece of an argument that it actually turns into a full-on fight.

I learned from my philosophy club friends that you should never hold on to your opinions so much so that they blind you to the other possibilities around you. That seems to be everyone's problem around here. Either that, or my philosophy friends broke me.

I Don't Get Podcasts.

I just don't understand them. I've tried; Mega64's podcasts, 2P Start!'s podcasts. They are all the same to me -- just really boring.

I understand why people do them. They are fun to do with friends, allows you to get your opinion out there, and it's really like blogging, only you're talking it out. It's like doing a radio show at Ashland University, really. You get on air, converse about various topics, and then spin a record. Talk radio is even like this; some hot topic is discussed, then they move on to other things. Perhaps the bigger question is why do people like to hear other people talk about stuff?

This is why I have a hard time listening to radio. I just don't care what the jockey has to say. I like the concept of radio, and, for some reason, I love being in a radio station environment. But driving somewhere, I just can't listen to the radio. A few stations at home have some particularly stupid shows, where usually two guys and one girl talk about things that are either sexual or big news-related. I have a friend who often listens to these shows and laughs with their jokes. It's kinda irritating, actually.

Let's pretend I didn't get off topic. What I want to say is if you have time to do a podcast, why not do a video podcast? Even then, though, I don't get vlogs just as much as I don't get podcasts.

Okay, my main point of contention is: Why does anyone give a shit about a 13 year old's review of some movie, or some jaded fan's opinion of their series new game? We seem to live in a world where people are too afraid to buy things or try things of their own accord. With all the different types of reviews out there, I think people have become accustomed to following someone else's opinion. I do admit that I read and/or watch reviews to learn about the product. More often than not, however, I usually only buy something as a result of a review if I didn't actually know anything about it before hand. Otherwise, I just gravitate towards what I know I can enjoy alone or with others.

Now, to clarify, I'm not a hipster. I realize the whole "I don't follow the crowd" possible argument in the previous paragraph makes me start to sound like I am. In fact, I was discussing the concept of "hipsters" this week with two friends. I only frown upon other people's reviews and opinions when they convince people what to do with their time or money. I always write my blogs with the hope that someone else will read them and then think about the topic or idea. I would never, ever want anyone who might read anything I have to say (all 0 of you) actually adopt my opinion as their own. I really believe in the "intelligence of the self, and growth from communion" concept; I'm just here to see where my opinion stands in the views of others.

I realize I went on for a while here, without a very clear topic. In totality, I just don't understand podcasts or reviews or talk radio, but that's okay. They are still successful without my contributions or following.

Gaits; A Commonly Unthinkable Memorization

That title does not explain this post very well.

Have you ever looked across campus (or somewhere vast) and seen someone walking in the distance, only to instantly recognize them for some reason? You may recognize them through their gait, or style of strutting, and say something about it. Seriously, think about that though. Do you ever openly acknowledge someone's gait, in memorization form? Do you ever think, "That's what their stride looks like. It is different."? I'm, of course, speaking when you are in an every day situation, not necessarily trying to figure out if you know that person.

I know this post is completely different from the others I've made, but this concept is something that isn't a common topic. Gaits, surprisingly, aren't juicy gossip. It's amazing, in all honesty, the amount of information the human brain soaks up, just from observation. I have a friend who walks very smoothly, but with his chest stuck out. It's a combination of perfect posture with a hint of badass-ness and unusual enough to make you do a double take. I have another friend who walks with a pop in his one step, and his arms held out stiffly. Another friend of mine always walks like he has a backpack on, even when he doesn't. Which reminds me of my brother, for some reason.

Which brings me to another point; have you ever openly thought about your own gait as you walk somewhere? Usually it makes people uncomfortable to do so, and they tend to try to forcibly change their movement to something "cooler." However, in the end, it usually makes you look uncomfortable.

I've been on this topic for a while during this past school year. Every time I walk out of my dorm, you can pretty much instantly tell the mood I'm in--I have an emotive gait, because I'm often thinking about it when I'm alone. When I'm listening to music and walking, I'm loose. When I'm busy and in a rush, I have a bit of a pop and step to each movement. When I'm feeling like a badass, I have great posture and have very smooth movements. When I'm angry, it's similar to that, but much more rigid and my arms are flexed.

I think perhaps I spend a lot of time thinking. I really like that about myself, that I'm able to take myself out of my body and observe myself and those around me. It gives me a good resource to pull from when filming, writing, and creating.

If I could just draw, I'd be the best person in the world.

State of My Work

At the end of the first month of school, I realize that I am on schedule and far behind in different aspects. Work on Adjusting Focus is going steady, with Episode 3's filming set to wrap on Saturday. In related news, you may have noticed the back ground for the blog has been changing. It is because I've been experimenting with my logo in many different ways and I have now finished it.

From the prelim comments I received on the logo prior to this cut, I heard a lot of "the center is way too thin" and "it doesn't really look like a B and an E." I was also concerned it looked like an X as well. I was told to increase the points to help with the letter recognition, but I'm so in love with the design, I just can't extend them. 

I spaced out the two letters for the final cut, as well as giving some width to the center parts. The inclusion of the red "orb-like" object in the center was an idea from a good design friend of mine, Matt Muzzy. In talks with him, one of his ideas included adding something like that to the center. I chose to do so, as well as add color, as without it, the logo looked too much like the Hurley logo, which was a partial inspiration:

I realize that the similarities are stunning, however, for those who are into the video editing scene, this logo has a striking resemblance to In and Out points, specifically in AVID. That is primarily the concept that my logo is based off of, using Hurley's logo as a model, as the In and Out points are not produced very large. The color, as an aside, will also be able to add a bit of a flare to the business card, which is what this logo was created for (as well as proper website).

Unfortunately, this logo has taken me way too long. I haven't been able to hardly work on it, as I have graphics for the show to make, on top of school work. Ohio was hit with a snowstorm this week, however, enabling me the time to complete this project. So, in the future, hopefully by the end of good old February, I'll have a website to post about. I also have to quickly sqeak in time for a demo reel for both audio and video. Which shouldn't be too bad -- I just wish I had more video for my reel. Then it'd be easier.

Regardless, I'm very content with how my logo looks, and I feel that it's a start to a new, self-confidence-in-my-art Brad. I've always been nervous about things like this, but I genuinely think this is a great start to the end of my 4th college year.

--B

The Concept of Dreams and Aspirations I; Why "Being Yourself" is Not the Right Goal

Uh oh. Perhaps an edgy title? Oh gee. Perhaps I might offend someone here? Oh no!

First off, let me lead with my best card; what opinion I share here is what I believe to be true. I share it to help people, not to discourage them, for I am certain (if you understand my sometimes incoherent rambling) that what I will say will make sense one day to those who don't get it.

I once heard someone say in a class, "My goal is to always be myself." I don't have a problem with this goal; in fact, I think it's noble and a hell of a hard thing to do. There's one problem with it, though, and that is it's too empty. To say, "I'm always going to be myself," is like saying, "I'm going to act the way I want all the time." It's a bit selfish sounding when broken down as such, and it also highlights the glaring problem with that goal. You can't expect to ever "know" who you are. You can't. Your "self" is constantly and consistently changing. As The Flaming Lips put it, you just can't know yourself or what all you would do with all your power.

This is also totally skipping over the whole, "What if you were..." situation, where you certainly wouldn't be your outspoken self if your asshole boss told you to do something you didn't feel comfortable with, or else you would lose your job, putting your wife and five kids in harm's way.

There's also the concept of being the first one to state this dream, as people immediately think you are a deep thinker or a brilliant person. In stating that as your dream with that intention at all in your head, even just a little bit, you are ruining the noble concept of your statement, as you are using it for your personal gain. It's one thing to be sincere and state something meaningful. It's another to say it because you are referencing your favorite movie.

It's also not right to say this in a classroom setting as you saying that makes everyone else feel bad about their dreams. In saying this "dream" after other people have stated real, lasting dreams, you are destroying the very "dream" you believe in. "Being yourself," if that is your goal in life, should be limited to yourself. Being yourself should not prohibit others to be themselves either. If so, you take away their chance of being themselves, and destroying the concept of your dream to that one person, as well as those around you.

Finally, this statement is just not specific. The number one rule for any goal is to be specific. Specificity leads to success, as you know exactly what you want, and can therefore begin to look for the actions that are necessary to take to attain it. If you never know exactly what you want, you'll never know the steps or milestones to such a goal.

I am not here to say that being yourself is a bad thing. It's a great thing -- no one should be a character all the time. But in stating that it's your goal and aspiration to follow that characteristic, you already set yourself up for trouble. Set some short-term and long-term goals for yourself and find yourself along the way.

Donators and Dragons

So I'm attempting to make posting on this blog one of the consistent things in my life. Every day I usually think of an interesting topic or discussion point. Because I'm often alone in my thoughts, I don't really have anyone to discuss these points with. This blog will become that outlet.

This is going to be a bit of a difficult post.

I once went to a concert in the shady suburban area of the bad part of town in northern Columbus. Well, I should say that I went there with the intentions of doing such, but ended up scalping my tickets, as it was a very weird place. Not intending to get my money back, I just walked to the front of the building, where a rather obnoxious man was standing in line. He was the only one in line.

I was there to see the opener, Jukebox the Ghost. I love those guys. They were opening for a band with "Meat" in the title, and I lost all desire to sit through a band I didn't know. But this guy, oh boy! Did he love those Meat dudes. He was willing to pay almost double what I paid for the tickets!

Of course, being the nice (and completely stupid) person I am, it felt good to help him out, so I told him I wanted just the face value. He didn't really believe that the tickets were real, thought, so he dragged me inside to have the ticket counter scan them and verify. Seeing the stupidity in this, I verbalized that I was selling him the tickets. It was comical; the ticket counter didn't want it happening at all, so this fellow had to convince them that I wasn't selling the tickets to him.

Back outside, the man then took me over to the next door convenience store so he could break his large bills. It was in that store that I saw a man who was buying vodka and cat food. Attached to this man's hand was a telephone wire, and at the end of said wire, was a white cat, looking terrified.

I don't know what it was about that image. Something screamed "hilarious!" inside of me, but I just couldn't find the humor in it right then. I still can't find it--I've been considering telling this story for some time, but I can't.

I suppose that my heart went out to this lonely, skinny, husk of an old man, who spent what very little money he apparently had on his cat first, and himself second. It was very sad to me; those are the people I want to help.

This is probably going to sound dumb, but I used to keep a list of the people that I intended to give money to when I had enough to give away. One of my unknown beliefs is person-to-person charity. If I had money to donate or give away, I just couldn't choose a fund, or a charity or anything like that. I'm not against them at all. I just think it's an immensely easy and lazy way to feel good about yourself.

On the other hand, I would rather go out and meet someone in a poorer part of town. There is always someone who's willing to talk, and that is the exact person I want to have money I have worked for. Someone who granted me part of their time to talk to me about whatever, someone who wouldn't necessarily be looking for hand outs or anything. I understand what it's like to financially struggle and I would help myself out if I could.

It's not a crushing weight because of dependencies or desires. I really spend almost all my money on my fiancée and a few other people when I can. I just stopped caring about menial objects and materialistic concepts ever since I came to Ashland.

That's the kind of person I want to help. Someone like me; someone that could use the help, but doesn't really expect it out of society or anyone.

My biggest issue here is people like one of my family members. She donates to a charity monthly and holds herself to high-esteem because she does so. Shortly after, she complains about money, badgering me for the payment that I owe her. It's a fine study in contrasts, sure, but I can't imagine giving to charity when your own family struggles just 5 minutes away. Again, I don't have anything against charities. I think it's great they are in place and offer commendable deeds for those who can afford it. I just think some people donate for the wrong reasons.

Internet Interests

There is one thing I like the most about the internet: the sheer amount of creativeness compiled into a navigable channel of murky waters. What I mean by this is that there is a lot of stuff that holds no interest to me and that there is a great over-saturation of ideas as a result. This might turn some people off, but I find it kind of interesting. What does it say about a person who buys a webpage, and creates a terrible page dedicated to explaining the subtle nuances of the humor behind "The Goonies"? That they felt their information they had inside them was important enough to share with the world.

This is why a project such as Wikipedia is a phenomenal idea. Granted, opinion should be left out, but think about the possibilities! A massive website, where all you have to do is type is "giraffes," hit enter, and find out a trillion facts about the long necked bastards, straight from people who study them all day long! I understand how one-sided what I just said is, but the community surrounding Wikipedia is ridiculously dedicated to truth and unbiased information.

So, this brings me to my next point; why is Wikipedia not respected as an educated resource? Most every article has reference footnotes and each page is checked over by several people after each minute update. I don't think it has to do with the "possibility of false information" on the site anymore. I think people are just afraid of what it means. Books are becoming something totally forgotten about. I know this, because it's my generation that is doing it. I'm guilty of it. I used to read books and I loved fictional classics and nonfictional accounts of various psychopaths and shootings around the world (that sounds really bad, doesn't it?). Since then, I quit reading. It's been 2 years since I got through a full book. It's not something I'm proud of, however, it's something that's happened.

The point is, yes, I agree that there is no better research than the one you do with a real, physical book. There will be a day, however, when the internet, as well as Wikipedia, becomes understood as a "good source of knowledge". The day when it is okay to have more internet sources than book sources on a paper for a class that doesn't even relate to your major or minor.

I suppose this problem I have relates back to the generational mindset of "we want to be recognized for something other than all the responsibilities we shirk," but I stand behind my opinion here. Wikipedia can be a respected encyclopedia because every idiot can get on their computer and edit it. Just remember that there will be a lesser idiot right behind him to clean up his mess and make things right.

I wouldn't fight for the right to use Wikipedia for a source on a paper while still in school, because that's dumb, but I know that one day will come when I can say "I read up on all my dumb trivia about Ryan Seacrest and polar bears while listening to The Flaming Lips" and someone out there will shake my hand for it.

--B

Pre-Website Jitters

Hello. My name is Brad Eustathios. I'm making a website, while putting off my demo reel, and boy is it degrading.

I just cannot seem to get a good, professional idea made. It seems that every design I had in my head, I just can't put into play. I had a smoke-based concept that was trashed because it didn't make sense (I guess?), then I went to a stupid paint-splatter idea that I hardly even tried. All I could think was "what are these ideas advertising?" and since I'm not a smoke salesman, nor am I a graffiti artist, neither of those terrible ideas work.

I have a new idea that I'm working on, but I can't seem to get past the idea that I'm just not good at these concepts. I feel like I'm just using a brush and that's as far as I get. Dad-gum it!

I know that I'll solve it. I am trying to, right now, as I type, justify my current design. I think the root of all my problems lies in my problem with my color scheme. Right now it's black, but I always hated a dark, black-everywhere website. It doesn't give a great impression.

I think I'll move to a cotton-candy light perrywinkle. Tomorrow. I put most of my energy into creating a very advanced concept behind the conclusion of Adjusting Focus (my current project) and I'm proud of it. It's just managed to destroy my creative abilities.

Yeah, I'll go with that excuse. Sounds good.