Learning to Walk Again

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I've got papers to write, things to memorize, and presentations to give. In the middle of it all, I'm dealing with a slight depression, brought on by something I never thought I'd be depressed about: the big change coming in my life, regarding work flow.

I got a taste over the weekend when I took the first actual break since months ago. A break where I didn't actually think about all the things due and what needed to be done tonight and the next night. I sat and was relaxed. Yet...I wasn't relaxed. I was anxious, feeling as though someone was watching me and I was wrong for not doing work in some form. I felt like I was letting someone down, that I was wasting everyone's time.

I used to be able to relax pretty well. This year has been different, as I've had a variety of stresses, that I just haven't given everything up for a night. And now I'm thinking it'll take some getting used to going back to not being deeply involved with something. With no professional job as of right now, I have to focus my energy on something. I mean, I'll always have my demo reels, but in actuality, I may have those finished as early as next week, when I legit have nothing left to do and most people have moved out.

I believe the solution in this problem is found in moderation. I have to slowly test the waters, feel around and make sure I have my footing as I ease into relaxation and the next project. I hope that I will make something of myself in the coming years and I know that I have the talent to do such. But until then, I have to learn how to relax again.

I'm tired of feeling depressed, of feeling like if I'm not doing something, then I'm completely worthless. I know that I will get through this, but I have to fight the desire to just toss it all up again. I have to learn to walk again, before I can run.

Reflection

I wanted to take this post and use it to apologize for my previous posts. I'm not really compassionate if someone gets offended with my views, but only in this type of blog setting. In real life, I refuse to force what I believe on anyone. I think I need to make it clear that I've been using this to flesh out and complete the topics that spurn in my mind. I would love to discuss one of these topics with anyone that would like to, but I won't ever tell someone they are wrong. Maybe that makes me weak-willed, but I really think I'm just passive and laid back (to an extent).

I also realize that some of these things are odd opinions, presented harshly. I want to be stronger and more certain in the things I feel, so I've been pushing my writing to be particularly aggressive. I have recently thought, however, how the people who hold the opinions I attack and degenerate in various posts might feel if they read this, and the last thing I want is to come off as a zealot who won't talk to people who don't share my opinion. Trust me, if you actually talk to me, I often don't get into these opinions. I'd much rather talk music or art or listen to your opinions.

I will admit that as of late I have been a bad listener. But it is noted and, as such, will be fixed.

I have found that I am deeply struggling with insomnia. At the beginning of the month, I used to sleep at 3 and 4 AM. Now I don't get to sleep until around 5 AM. I just sit there, with a lot of thoughts running, unable to sleep or even do meaningful work. I think it's because I'm mostly alone here this semester, allowing me to just attempt to get all the things I want done, done. Yet, the radio station work is far behind, my demo reel has only begun, and I'm all out of sweet tea.

Before, when my fiancée was here, she was my anchor for sleep. She'd go to bed and I usually didn't stay up for more than an hour later. At first, I felt annoyed by this, as I didn't like sleeping so early. Plus, it inhibited my work flow. But now, I see the importance, as I have a strange "fear" of going to sleep. It makes me feel lonely and trapped. So then I lay there and struggle with that, and I'm back to where I started. I usually just watch South Park or try and listen to some music as I drift off.

Two Door Cinema Club and Scouting For Girls are the two bands I've been very impressed with lately. Both had albums released last year that are very appealing.

Another quick note: I am now writing for the "The Collegian's" website, offering my opinion on various, lesser-known bands. As of February 14th, 2011, there is one, but there are many more on their way.

I really love to write and I wish I had to do a thesis.