Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.

Gaits; A Commonly Unthinkable Memorization

That title does not explain this post very well.

Have you ever looked across campus (or somewhere vast) and seen someone walking in the distance, only to instantly recognize them for some reason? You may recognize them through their gait, or style of strutting, and say something about it. Seriously, think about that though. Do you ever openly acknowledge someone's gait, in memorization form? Do you ever think, "That's what their stride looks like. It is different."? I'm, of course, speaking when you are in an every day situation, not necessarily trying to figure out if you know that person.

I know this post is completely different from the others I've made, but this concept is something that isn't a common topic. Gaits, surprisingly, aren't juicy gossip. It's amazing, in all honesty, the amount of information the human brain soaks up, just from observation. I have a friend who walks very smoothly, but with his chest stuck out. It's a combination of perfect posture with a hint of badass-ness and unusual enough to make you do a double take. I have another friend who walks with a pop in his one step, and his arms held out stiffly. Another friend of mine always walks like he has a backpack on, even when he doesn't. Which reminds me of my brother, for some reason.

Which brings me to another point; have you ever openly thought about your own gait as you walk somewhere? Usually it makes people uncomfortable to do so, and they tend to try to forcibly change their movement to something "cooler." However, in the end, it usually makes you look uncomfortable.

I've been on this topic for a while during this past school year. Every time I walk out of my dorm, you can pretty much instantly tell the mood I'm in--I have an emotive gait, because I'm often thinking about it when I'm alone. When I'm listening to music and walking, I'm loose. When I'm busy and in a rush, I have a bit of a pop and step to each movement. When I'm feeling like a badass, I have great posture and have very smooth movements. When I'm angry, it's similar to that, but much more rigid and my arms are flexed.

I think perhaps I spend a lot of time thinking. I really like that about myself, that I'm able to take myself out of my body and observe myself and those around me. It gives me a good resource to pull from when filming, writing, and creating.

If I could just draw, I'd be the best person in the world.