Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.

The Concept of Dreams and Aspirations II; Why "Finding Yourself" is Not the Right Goal

I need to finish this series.

Speaking of personal dreams and goals, I have the stand point that telling people that you have "feel good" dreams and goals, just as "Finding myself" and "Being the best me I can be" are actually detrimental to yourself. Again, the point of this whole idea is to just share some points that hopefully cause you to abandon your "b'aww" dreams and narrow and specify your goals so that you may see them through to the end, not to necessarily cause you to abandon all hope for the world.

When I started college in the beginning of 2007, I had no dreams or aspirations. I had thought about studying theatre and attempting to be an actor, but I really hate the environment leading up to opening night. (Side note: right after opening night, I love being in a play. I just hate everything before that.) I started my college career by going to a technical college to study graphic design, because I kinda liked playing with Photoshop. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life, as I didn't have very many things that I loved to do.

After one year there, I realized that slacking was no way to start something so important, so I decided to go to Ashland University to study Radio and Television. I came to the school with the personal goal to try and break out of the shell I had formed throughout high school. Sure enough, I met my fiancée the first day on campus and got to know so many cool people. Now, I'm looking back and I see where the person I know as myself today was created.

The past four years is a testament to why I think going into college thinking "I'm going to find out who I am" is very detrimental to your character. I came to Ashland thinking I knew myself, but the 18 year old me was very different to who I am today; laid back, simple, and focused.

The time I spent alone did play a large factor in building my character. I whole-heartedly believe that everyone needs to really spend time with themselves to find who they are. I spent a lot of time alone, turning over in my head all the events that occurred around me and all the people around me. I think approaching this type of concept without thinking "I need to find me" is so very important; you'll become hyper-focused on "trying to find yourself" that you won't actually open yourself up to finding the things that you like and the people that you enjoy being with. Finding yourself really happens when you aren't thinking about it and always happens when you are just living life.

Friends are the next pivotal point in this equation. It is undeniable that your peers can shape you for better or for worse. It's self-explanatory, in all honesty. I spent a lot of time with philosophy majors for most of my time here, so much so that I actually picked up many of their traits (although not to the full extent, obviously). Approaching friends with the mindset "I'm trying to find yourself" can really make you think too much about the people you choose to be friends with. Making friends should be natural, not selective, and I believe that if you are trying to find yourself consciously, you will judge the people you meet, choosing (from first impressions, mind you) friends based on their morals and choices, rather than just who they are personality wise.

A quick note; focusing too much on who your peers are can also have a very bad effect on your identity. People who invest all their time into their friends and the things they like to do can find themselves lost when they are without them. There is also the possibility that you will lose your identity as a result of attempting to please your friends, adopting another such identity to conform to what they deem "normal" and "satisfactory". Of course, this is a whole other world, one which a friend of mine (Chris Williams) wrote his thesis on just last semester. It was quite superb, and I am a bad friend for not attending his thesis defense. (He now writes independently for an online journal based out of CA, in case you were curious.)

There's always the possible danger of settling on the first thing you consider "yourself" to be.

As mentioned before, it's entirely possible to end up not being able to actually become someone you should have been, because you become too focused on who you think you are. In this respect, there is also the problem that hyper-focusing on such an issue will cause you to settle on the first thing you consider "yourself" to be. This would be a very bad thing to do, as the first thing you may think you are is usually not who you actually are. If I had done this, I would have ended up marrying a bitch.

Hyper-focusing can also change your personality at will, multiple times, which is ultimately the worst possible thing that can happen. Finding yourself is not a forced concept; it's a very natural thing. So, literally, "finding who you are" will happen naturally without thinking about it. It's impossible to find yourself under the couch, or behind the stove, because "yourself" is an idea, not a tangible object. So how exactly would it be possible to find yourself if you are specifically looking for it? Besides that, there are so many environmental factors out of your control: I haven't even discussed how the economy, media, and family shape this concept.

In summation, I am certainly not telling you that you are wrong if one of your aspirations is to really understand yourself and know who you are. I believe that is a very noble concept, and I think it should be something everyone subconsciously desires. But, again, hunting for something that is subconscious is slightly redundant.

There's more to be said here, as I believe this is a tender topic. So, please, finding yourself interested means you should do research, instead of listening to some loser like me blog about it.

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
                                      --George Bernard Shaw

Reveling in Mediocrity

There's a trend that's bothered me throughout school. When peers bragged about the amount of work they didn't do and came out of the class with an A or some other acceptable grade for them. "I didn't even study and I got an A!" "I started that project the night before and made up a few of my sources and I didn't get caught!" "I passed the class with a C, but I don't care, cause I didn't have to do any of the work..." and the likes.

What bothers me about it, after years of experiencing it and hearing it, is not the fact that it was easy for them to do such or they got away with it or I can't do those kinds of things. It's the fact that those people make mediocrity a lifestyle. I've had plenty of tests and projects and classes in general that I've breezed through. I'd go as far to say that I haven't failed anything in school yet. Papers are time consuming and tests require studying, while projects are generally easy. I've never truly "busted my ass" when it came to classes.

I think there's a difference in how I live my life, however. I like a good challenge, I've always gotten really good grades, and I usually put a lot of my time and efforts into what I do during the day. Shooting footage and editing I put myself into it and don't usually quit until I'm at least somewhat happy with it. On top of that, I don't spend the time that I save by getting drunk or carousing or related activities. Instead, I've invested that time into family, friends, other loved ones, and (admittedly) video games. I always have something I try to do on the side. I don't feel content or happy unless I do. At this moment, I attend all events to help out the campus television station, I'm the Program Director for the campus radio station, I'm the producer/director of a student-produced web series, and I write for the University's newspaper's website.

Now, after listing such, I should have prefaced by saying that I'm not trying to make myself out to be a hero; my main point is found in other people's mediocrity. Posting Facebook statuses about successful slacking, Tweeting about how awesome someone thinks they are for holding a job and not having any other aspirations--I don't really get it. Why exactly are those events or situations things to be proud of? These people are essentially telling the world that they oftentimes get lucky with their studies. Not that they are a good worker, or that they really enjoy their work or actually have a passion that burns within their souls. Instead, they come right out and say that they are lazy assholes who can't be bothered "with the commonalities of the general public, because I'm better than that," (this is, of course, speaking on people who have been bragging about their glory for literally years).

The answer can be found in peers, I feel. If you (the reader) were to take a test with 20 other students, a test you didn't study for, and emerged from the test with a damn good score, would you compare yourself to either those who scored worse, or those who scored better? I guarantee that some people (not all, mind you) would look at their decent score and say "I didn't do anything for this and I did better than egghead over there. I must be a genius!" and thus we find our problem. We revel in our mediocrity because we accomplish something that someone else couldn't. Instead of thinking about how things should have been, these people become hyper-focused on their success over others that it actually causes them to believe that they should keep not studying because they are that good. Positive reinforcement encourages repetitive behavior.

There is also fault to be found in the mainstream media concepts of recent times. There are all sorts of feel good movies about people overcoming diversity because they were different. People that seem normal, not containing any supernatural powers; easily identifiable people. Thus, we raise our offspring to believe that they are different and they will change the world. There's a fine difference to telling your child that they have talent and then telling them that they'll definitely be successful as a result of that talent. And, unfortunately, many of my peers who revel in their humdrum lives were raised on the American Dream, by people that never lived the American Dream.

The American Dream only exists for 5% of the population. It cannot be everyone's destiny; there will always exist a middle-class and lower-class.

In the end, even if it seems uneccessary, work and real effort should be put into all aspects of life.

Why Do Some People Ask Questions First and Experiment Never??

I have had a dilemma during my time here at AU. I transferred in, so I'm a third year graduate. What keeps happening, however, is rather perturbing. I don't hate the people who are responsible, I just feel like I grew up in a totally different generation.

Because of my stature, I am often called when something has gone wrong with the radio station or when someone needs help with editing in Pro-Tools. I used to be called for Avid help too, but ever since we got Final Cut machines, no one really uses Avid. There was one time someone wanted my help with Adobe Premiere...

Anyway! Last week, during our winter storm nightmare, WRDL went off air. Ever since I've been here, I've experienced this about once a year, always during the cold season. For some reason, the transmitter just shuts itself off. In all those previous cases, for the most part, all I've done was just turn it back on, as the directions are right next to the unit to do such. Well, my ops manager sent me a text, telling me she couldn't get any meter readings, and, after some questioning, I realized I'd have to go over there. Not a big deal; I had a small bit of free time at the moment.

When I got over there, without many words, I booted the thing up and it worked fine. She was very surprised, and asked me what I did. I told her, and in turn, I asked her what she tried to do. Turns out, she didn't do anything.

It's really not a big deal, but I've just never had that mentality. If something goes wrong, I try and fix it every way possible (within reason), then I call for help. I've hardly ever had to call for help because of this. I hate to even bring any of this up, but I taught myself Avid because I shot about four hours of interview footage with about half an hour of b-roll and I wanted to make it into a documentary. It took me three days to do such, and I ended up getting into the Advanced Editing class without having to take it's prerequisite. Not to mention, when I got here, there was not one student that knew how to use Pro-Tools effectively and efficiently. So I taught myself that. Of course, with instructor help, I've improved and honed the skills, but I still am surprised other students (in my class at least) didn't seem to care to learn.

I know a lot of tips and tricks for editing just by playing around with different settings and effects. Growing up, I've picked up little bits and pieces from life experiences; I once messed around with my mother's EQ on her stereo because I was bored, and I now have a simple understanding of such. I miss that passion and desire to learn more and become proficient and dependable in my peers. Instead, it seems like either people don't care, or they learn one thing so good that it becomes their primary identifier and they choose not to learn anything else, because they either don't care, or are too prude and stubborn to ever believe that learning something else would be necessary.

I miss the fiery passion I have in those people around me. I miss having people in the editing labs with me, bouncing ideas off each other. I hate that everything in this major seems to be a "my way or no way," with arguments around every corner. I don't understand why people get so invested in the tiniest piece of an argument that it actually turns into a full-on fight.

I learned from my philosophy club friends that you should never hold on to your opinions so much so that they blind you to the other possibilities around you. That seems to be everyone's problem around here. Either that, or my philosophy friends broke me.

I Don't Get Podcasts.

I just don't understand them. I've tried; Mega64's podcasts, 2P Start!'s podcasts. They are all the same to me -- just really boring.

I understand why people do them. They are fun to do with friends, allows you to get your opinion out there, and it's really like blogging, only you're talking it out. It's like doing a radio show at Ashland University, really. You get on air, converse about various topics, and then spin a record. Talk radio is even like this; some hot topic is discussed, then they move on to other things. Perhaps the bigger question is why do people like to hear other people talk about stuff?

This is why I have a hard time listening to radio. I just don't care what the jockey has to say. I like the concept of radio, and, for some reason, I love being in a radio station environment. But driving somewhere, I just can't listen to the radio. A few stations at home have some particularly stupid shows, where usually two guys and one girl talk about things that are either sexual or big news-related. I have a friend who often listens to these shows and laughs with their jokes. It's kinda irritating, actually.

Let's pretend I didn't get off topic. What I want to say is if you have time to do a podcast, why not do a video podcast? Even then, though, I don't get vlogs just as much as I don't get podcasts.

Okay, my main point of contention is: Why does anyone give a shit about a 13 year old's review of some movie, or some jaded fan's opinion of their series new game? We seem to live in a world where people are too afraid to buy things or try things of their own accord. With all the different types of reviews out there, I think people have become accustomed to following someone else's opinion. I do admit that I read and/or watch reviews to learn about the product. More often than not, however, I usually only buy something as a result of a review if I didn't actually know anything about it before hand. Otherwise, I just gravitate towards what I know I can enjoy alone or with others.

Now, to clarify, I'm not a hipster. I realize the whole "I don't follow the crowd" possible argument in the previous paragraph makes me start to sound like I am. In fact, I was discussing the concept of "hipsters" this week with two friends. I only frown upon other people's reviews and opinions when they convince people what to do with their time or money. I always write my blogs with the hope that someone else will read them and then think about the topic or idea. I would never, ever want anyone who might read anything I have to say (all 0 of you) actually adopt my opinion as their own. I really believe in the "intelligence of the self, and growth from communion" concept; I'm just here to see where my opinion stands in the views of others.

I realize I went on for a while here, without a very clear topic. In totality, I just don't understand podcasts or reviews or talk radio, but that's okay. They are still successful without my contributions or following.

Gaits; A Commonly Unthinkable Memorization

That title does not explain this post very well.

Have you ever looked across campus (or somewhere vast) and seen someone walking in the distance, only to instantly recognize them for some reason? You may recognize them through their gait, or style of strutting, and say something about it. Seriously, think about that though. Do you ever openly acknowledge someone's gait, in memorization form? Do you ever think, "That's what their stride looks like. It is different."? I'm, of course, speaking when you are in an every day situation, not necessarily trying to figure out if you know that person.

I know this post is completely different from the others I've made, but this concept is something that isn't a common topic. Gaits, surprisingly, aren't juicy gossip. It's amazing, in all honesty, the amount of information the human brain soaks up, just from observation. I have a friend who walks very smoothly, but with his chest stuck out. It's a combination of perfect posture with a hint of badass-ness and unusual enough to make you do a double take. I have another friend who walks with a pop in his one step, and his arms held out stiffly. Another friend of mine always walks like he has a backpack on, even when he doesn't. Which reminds me of my brother, for some reason.

Which brings me to another point; have you ever openly thought about your own gait as you walk somewhere? Usually it makes people uncomfortable to do so, and they tend to try to forcibly change their movement to something "cooler." However, in the end, it usually makes you look uncomfortable.

I've been on this topic for a while during this past school year. Every time I walk out of my dorm, you can pretty much instantly tell the mood I'm in--I have an emotive gait, because I'm often thinking about it when I'm alone. When I'm listening to music and walking, I'm loose. When I'm busy and in a rush, I have a bit of a pop and step to each movement. When I'm feeling like a badass, I have great posture and have very smooth movements. When I'm angry, it's similar to that, but much more rigid and my arms are flexed.

I think perhaps I spend a lot of time thinking. I really like that about myself, that I'm able to take myself out of my body and observe myself and those around me. It gives me a good resource to pull from when filming, writing, and creating.

If I could just draw, I'd be the best person in the world.