I got a taste over the weekend when I took the first actual break since months ago. A break where I didn't actually think about all the things due and what needed to be done tonight and the next night. I sat and was relaxed. Yet...I wasn't relaxed. I was anxious, feeling as though someone was watching me and I was wrong for not doing work in some form. I felt like I was letting someone down, that I was wasting everyone's time.
I used to be able to relax pretty well. This year has been different, as I've had a variety of stresses, that I just haven't given everything up for a night. And now I'm thinking it'll take some getting used to going back to not being deeply involved with something. With no professional job as of right now, I have to focus my energy on something. I mean, I'll always have my demo reels, but in actuality, I may have those finished as early as next week, when I legit have nothing left to do and most people have moved out.
I believe the solution in this problem is found in moderation. I have to slowly test the waters, feel around and make sure I have my footing as I ease into relaxation and the next project. I hope that I will make something of myself in the coming years and I know that I have the talent to do such. But until then, I have to learn how to relax again.
I'm tired of feeling depressed, of feeling like if I'm not doing something, then I'm completely worthless. I know that I will get through this, but I have to fight the desire to just toss it all up again. I have to learn to walk again, before I can run.
