Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.