Well, Darn

So, apparently, my last post was either in vain or it just didn't work or it hasn't been read yet. Nothing really feels like it has changed and I'm just stressed constantly. Whether it's about this whole stupid situation with a friend, how stressful work is, or uncertainties, I'm getting stressed out. If he doesn't want to just settle this and move the fuck on, then I don't know what to do. I can't exactly let the stress remain there forever.

I was probably foolish for ever thinking a blog post would work. For starters, I doubt my blog means anything to anyone other than myself. Which was really its intention, so I suppose it lived up to what it was meant to accomplish. On top of that, he's obviously so upset or disappointed in the whole situation that things will never be the same again and I should just set the whole thing behind me and move on. I'd hate to think that just a mere month and a half after my wedding, I managed to piss my best man off to the point where things could never be the same again.

At least my intentions are sincere. I really don't know how to deal with this stress other than just to clam shell up!

A Public Apology to a Friend

I intended no malice nor harm with my recent actions or with this post.

I suppose my actions weren't really malicious in any way, other than dropping the "f word" a few times. What I have to ask is why exactly we have communicated so poorly in the last two weeks? It seems that when I try to talk to you, all I get is a dickish remark and a stinging regret for bothering you. We were good friends before; why can't we just be straight (as in cooooool)?

I know I pretty much ruined the day two weeks ago with a stupid mistake, but you must realize by now that I woke up that morning and have yet to stop regretting everything from that day. I'm writing this after laying in my bed for half an hour, trying to think of the best and nicest way possible to handle this that feels like my own idea. So this is the only thing I could think of; a public apology, a recognition of errors, a collection of words dedicated to laying out why I failed and how I could have done better. Everyone else insists I should initiate a "calling out of idiosyncrasies" session, but I just want to be peaceful.

I am entirely sorry for my mistake and, unlike I have certainly done before, I am accepting full responsibility for my lapse in responsibility. I've already gone over in my head what I should have done differently, how I should have handled myself, and at the end of the day, I feel like a completely irresponsible adult, viewed upon as a potential dead beat and failure. That's certainly no way to live or think.

I understand the feeling you must have; the feeling of having undependable and disappointing friends. I arose disappointed as well. Yet, to be honest, I was far more disappointed in myself and worried about how mad or upset you were at me rather than the opportunity missed. I just can't feel sorry for this forever, though; I need to settle things in order to carry on. That is, with or without you as a continued friend.

If you so desire, I'm willing to talk about this specific post, as well as everything else. This is not an act of passive aggressiveness either, as this post is, insofar as I know, visible to only 3 select people, 2 of which have their minutes numbered. I would be more than happy to make this public to the world or keep it held private. I just didn't know how else to go about getting this across to you -- I figured an outright conversation at this point in time might be dangerous, threatening, and, ultimately, depressing.

Life has been busy. Certainly for both of us. But I certainly miss the potentialities of hanging out, the ramblings of our favorite sport, and the storied history we both share. So I ask for you to just think about what I've said, and if at the end of the week you want to talk, then I'm totally down for talking. Otherwise...good luck with all your future endeavors.

Someone important to me once said this; "You just can't rely on people, no matter who they are. They will always let you down."

Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.