Well, Darn

So, apparently, my last post was either in vain or it just didn't work or it hasn't been read yet. Nothing really feels like it has changed and I'm just stressed constantly. Whether it's about this whole stupid situation with a friend, how stressful work is, or uncertainties, I'm getting stressed out. If he doesn't want to just settle this and move the fuck on, then I don't know what to do. I can't exactly let the stress remain there forever.

I was probably foolish for ever thinking a blog post would work. For starters, I doubt my blog means anything to anyone other than myself. Which was really its intention, so I suppose it lived up to what it was meant to accomplish. On top of that, he's obviously so upset or disappointed in the whole situation that things will never be the same again and I should just set the whole thing behind me and move on. I'd hate to think that just a mere month and a half after my wedding, I managed to piss my best man off to the point where things could never be the same again.

At least my intentions are sincere. I really don't know how to deal with this stress other than just to clam shell up!

A Public Apology to a Friend

I intended no malice nor harm with my recent actions or with this post.

I suppose my actions weren't really malicious in any way, other than dropping the "f word" a few times. What I have to ask is why exactly we have communicated so poorly in the last two weeks? It seems that when I try to talk to you, all I get is a dickish remark and a stinging regret for bothering you. We were good friends before; why can't we just be straight (as in cooooool)?

I know I pretty much ruined the day two weeks ago with a stupid mistake, but you must realize by now that I woke up that morning and have yet to stop regretting everything from that day. I'm writing this after laying in my bed for half an hour, trying to think of the best and nicest way possible to handle this that feels like my own idea. So this is the only thing I could think of; a public apology, a recognition of errors, a collection of words dedicated to laying out why I failed and how I could have done better. Everyone else insists I should initiate a "calling out of idiosyncrasies" session, but I just want to be peaceful.

I am entirely sorry for my mistake and, unlike I have certainly done before, I am accepting full responsibility for my lapse in responsibility. I've already gone over in my head what I should have done differently, how I should have handled myself, and at the end of the day, I feel like a completely irresponsible adult, viewed upon as a potential dead beat and failure. That's certainly no way to live or think.

I understand the feeling you must have; the feeling of having undependable and disappointing friends. I arose disappointed as well. Yet, to be honest, I was far more disappointed in myself and worried about how mad or upset you were at me rather than the opportunity missed. I just can't feel sorry for this forever, though; I need to settle things in order to carry on. That is, with or without you as a continued friend.

If you so desire, I'm willing to talk about this specific post, as well as everything else. This is not an act of passive aggressiveness either, as this post is, insofar as I know, visible to only 3 select people, 2 of which have their minutes numbered. I would be more than happy to make this public to the world or keep it held private. I just didn't know how else to go about getting this across to you -- I figured an outright conversation at this point in time might be dangerous, threatening, and, ultimately, depressing.

Life has been busy. Certainly for both of us. But I certainly miss the potentialities of hanging out, the ramblings of our favorite sport, and the storied history we both share. So I ask for you to just think about what I've said, and if at the end of the week you want to talk, then I'm totally down for talking. Otherwise...good luck with all your future endeavors.

Someone important to me once said this; "You just can't rely on people, no matter who they are. They will always let you down."

Burning Bridges

The most frustrating thing I learned in college is "Don't burn your bridges, no matter what!"

I understand the importance and it's a proverb I follow well, albeit reluctantly. It's not that I can't stand people or anything like that; I love being friends with any one I can be. It's the people that have been ingrained in my life at some point that I am referring to. Every day tends to be something new related to this, and I get that sometimes my irresponsible nature tends to mess things up. But I'm only human and I want to stop feeling bad for mistakes I made months and months ago.

It's an awful feeling knowing when you make a mistake that you're going to beat yourself up for literally years for it. Is there not a redeeming factor in that matter? The fact that I recognize it was my responsibility and I've taken all the blame doesn't count for anything?

I'm starting to feel I have a psychological problem that another friend of mine shares. He has punched out a mirror for feeling bad about something he said to someone when he was eight; I've gone days without eating, feeling bad about something I did to lose a friend in the fourth grade. These menial events lead to mountains of stress and it's all caused by jealousy, selfishness and low self-esteem. Those three things are caused in turn by the inability to trust, fear of the unknown, and various shortcomings. The list goes on and analyzing it does nothing.

So how does this relate to burning bridges? I wish it was that easy, really; instead I can't let go of a human connection, disabling me from being actually happy.

I keep telling myself that I just have to move on and support those bridges on my own because it will pay off one day. Then what happens when everything is paid off? Do I become a hermit, only associating with my immediate family? Huh.

Learning to Walk Again

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I've got papers to write, things to memorize, and presentations to give. In the middle of it all, I'm dealing with a slight depression, brought on by something I never thought I'd be depressed about: the big change coming in my life, regarding work flow.

I got a taste over the weekend when I took the first actual break since months ago. A break where I didn't actually think about all the things due and what needed to be done tonight and the next night. I sat and was relaxed. Yet...I wasn't relaxed. I was anxious, feeling as though someone was watching me and I was wrong for not doing work in some form. I felt like I was letting someone down, that I was wasting everyone's time.

I used to be able to relax pretty well. This year has been different, as I've had a variety of stresses, that I just haven't given everything up for a night. And now I'm thinking it'll take some getting used to going back to not being deeply involved with something. With no professional job as of right now, I have to focus my energy on something. I mean, I'll always have my demo reels, but in actuality, I may have those finished as early as next week, when I legit have nothing left to do and most people have moved out.

I believe the solution in this problem is found in moderation. I have to slowly test the waters, feel around and make sure I have my footing as I ease into relaxation and the next project. I hope that I will make something of myself in the coming years and I know that I have the talent to do such. But until then, I have to learn how to relax again.

I'm tired of feeling depressed, of feeling like if I'm not doing something, then I'm completely worthless. I know that I will get through this, but I have to fight the desire to just toss it all up again. I have to learn to walk again, before I can run.

The Cesspool of the American College

I've been undercover for a few days, going deeper into the workings of a college "hierarchy," socially speaking. I'm extremely disappointed.

Maybe it's just the college, but it seems like a majority of people never really escape the high school mentality. This doesn't come any clearer than through the business department, who make every class just like the ones in high school -- obnoxious and crude. I hate the jokes and topical natures of this group of people, as they just seem like bodies within suits without souls.

However, most of what I've seen recently comes from the frat circles. Honestly? It's disgusting; I thought for sure the stereotypical male attitude of always wanting sex from multiple partners was just a plot device in 80s movies to make you dislike the antagonist more. Turns out it was all based on true, real people!

Most of my disdain comes from those who make a mockery of monogamy, as they fail to realize the struggles they create within the very person of those they hurt. I don't have much to say, really, as I don't see the merit in delving deeper into specifics, but, please, if you break up with your significant other and then try to get back with them, don't attempt to have a plan B or C -- it never ends well, and, if you were half the capable partner that you might think you are, you'd put all that energy towards your plan A.

Regardless, it seems like shit never changes. Ideals are crushed at the hands of the public, and those that had dreams, dream no longer.

The Future

I realize at times that I can be a pretty flip-floppy guy. I often change my feelings on many issues, people, and ideas. Like right now, I don't know if I should keep my hair long and this killer goatee goin'. I have frequently felt pretty uncertain about my involvement on what I used to call "my senior project," like I was graduating from elementary school. I would easily find it common if people called me floppy disk.

Or not, as that is clearly an awful nickname.

As someone who has six weeks left in the most hectic time of his life (school related), I can clearly see that nothing actually matters. 50 some odd days to finish the work that I have to finish, but also 50 days left to spend with the likes of my friends, whom I might not see again. 50 days to work on a project I'm exhausted with and a paper I don't have any ideas for, but also 50 days to be myself in this environment. None of these things are worth holding me back.

So, in totality, I should treat everything like I am doing it for fun and because it's my last chance to do this stuff. I will soon be a boring, fully grown adult, and have responsibilities. Even sooner, I'll be married, with bills and more life to live.

Even though I find myself to be rather flippity-flop in all sorts of respects, you can't expect life to stay constant either. I think that's a pretty good excuse; I mean, if I attempt to find some middle ground, isn't there the fear that life will throw some curve ball that changes everything?

What I'm trying to say, is that I will soon have a graduation montage to be a part of, and then everything changes in its entirety.

Award Ceremony Criticism

I am certainly not a fan of award ceremonies. As such, when "big" nights roll around like tonight, when the Academy Awards are presented, I present the idea of me watching the ceremonies satirically and find myself doing activities that I actually enjoy, instead of being guaranteed for disappointment.


Before continuing, you should know that I don't disapprove of the concept of award ceremonies. I love the ideal ceremony; deserving actors, directors and workers in the business get rewarded for their convincing performances, phenomenal ideas, and hard work. However, that's just it -- This is an ideal concept. Every winner is trivialized for various reasons.

My biggest problem with any of these ceremonies is the ridiculous approach of attempting to shoehorn a massive amount of content into so few categories (in comparision), that nothing seems fair. Looking straight at the Grammys (because I feel it's the most prevalent there), there is an ungodly amount of music produced in one year, and certainly not enough ears to listen to all of it and then judge on all categories fairly. So, the attention is then focused on what sold the most and what generated the most buzz. This severely limits the amount of music that then is put up for possible awards, then the best seven or so are given a free ride on the hype train to hell, until they reveal which "big surprise" won the category. Yay for music!

I will say that the approach to awards with "sold and buzz" is a very clean idea; clean as in it makes the most sense, as that specific media was popular to the point where it garnered a lot of public attention. However, as any good researcher knows, consumers are simple-minded -- they fail to do a lot of their own research, choosing to let the media do research for them. Most people won't look into a new product for themselves with an open mind, attempting to find all the pros and cons, ultimately weighing the consequences. Rather, they choose to watch advertisements and trailers, follow popular people's opinions, or decide what to buy based on reviews.

Advertising, then, in this sense, has the capability to create the buzz that a media product needs to make it to the medium's respective awards ceremony. Following this trend of thinking, it becomes a matter of who has the most money and when the movie was released. "Oscar Season" is a pivotal time for those directors and producers who are looking to score in the ultimate, publicity-based game show -- the Academy Awards. Releasing at a time when the cutoff date is just around the corner, using that lateness to stay fresh in the minds of the critics and Academy members.

Why do I even have a problem with these ceremonies? Because it causes people to want to go see the movies that win or get nominated. Why is this a bad thing? It's the same reason I hate reviews of movies or albums or anything as such that give an artistic work a number or letter, in hopes of grading it appropriately; there is very little independent thought involved. This is not an argument of "I saw it before it got popular" -- this is arguing for people to use their cognitive abilities to discern and define their own tastes. I am certainly against pop culture for a multitude of reasons, but the one reason I will always stand behind is the idea that it breeds and fosters to inhibit people's ability to think for themselves. An anecdote will help me here.

My sister is a 15 year old girl; she is in the heart of pop culture. She goes to school and receives feedback from her friends about what to watch, listen to, and ultimately like. As a result of this, she spends her time watching Jersey Shore and listening to Lady Gaga, recently buying a $80 North Face jacket. When I asked why she does these things, she responded with, "Because that's what my friends watch/listen to/have!" I spent a good 15 minutes attempting to get her to buy a much cheaper jacket that was much more colorful. She repeatedly said no.

Where's my point? Pop culture, in her case, makes it so she "has to have or be a part of something" in order to be "in". How is what is "in" decided? By the products that are advertised best, or, less frequently, have a notoriety for being the better product. This all seems to hark back to the age old "everyone else is doing it" mentalities.

Genres play a role in my argument that is so large, I think I should just say "Genres" and force you, as the reader, to think about my possible arguments.

My final thoughts; I see the point of award ceremonies. They award great people in the industry. I deeply respect that, as the people who work the hardest should be recognized. However, oftentimes, there are sometimes swaying when total sales are involved, or (especially) when the media in question has the use of a person the industry likes and whom they think should be "rewarded" for winning their approval, ultimately resulting in that production making more money. It is this gross perversion that makes me tired of award ceremonies.

To end, I think the best way to handle these ceremonies would be to approach it like a Groundhog's Day thing. The Academy members adopt a child who is then forced into captivity, effectively keeping it from all forms of media, bias, and advertising, and is raised to be in it's mid-twenties. The child is properly educated and told stories of the movies of old, and shown a select handful; One per decade, to be specific. Finally, at the end of the season, when it's time to decide the winners, all the Academy members seal themselves off in a dark cave for about three months; it is during this time they all watch the most popular movies of the year, and each one of them has to also nominate a movie that grossed less than $15 million dollars. Every member then watches all these movies together, discussing them afterwards, refusing to get in any confrontational situation, defending or attacking any of the entries. Then, emerging from their cave in a fashion bigger than Jesus Christ's resurrection, these media moguls announce the six nominations. No more and no less. Then, around Groundhog's Day, they expose the adopted child to the sunlight and make him watch all six movies; one per week, starting on Sunday. He is then asked a series of questions for a day, then asked to ponder and consider the movie in its own rights for the remaining five days. At the end of this process, the child decides which movie was really the best. And then no one can say anything negative about the winner, ever.

If they do, they are killed.