A Public Apology to a Friend

I intended no malice nor harm with my recent actions or with this post.

I suppose my actions weren't really malicious in any way, other than dropping the "f word" a few times. What I have to ask is why exactly we have communicated so poorly in the last two weeks? It seems that when I try to talk to you, all I get is a dickish remark and a stinging regret for bothering you. We were good friends before; why can't we just be straight (as in cooooool)?

I know I pretty much ruined the day two weeks ago with a stupid mistake, but you must realize by now that I woke up that morning and have yet to stop regretting everything from that day. I'm writing this after laying in my bed for half an hour, trying to think of the best and nicest way possible to handle this that feels like my own idea. So this is the only thing I could think of; a public apology, a recognition of errors, a collection of words dedicated to laying out why I failed and how I could have done better. Everyone else insists I should initiate a "calling out of idiosyncrasies" session, but I just want to be peaceful.

I am entirely sorry for my mistake and, unlike I have certainly done before, I am accepting full responsibility for my lapse in responsibility. I've already gone over in my head what I should have done differently, how I should have handled myself, and at the end of the day, I feel like a completely irresponsible adult, viewed upon as a potential dead beat and failure. That's certainly no way to live or think.

I understand the feeling you must have; the feeling of having undependable and disappointing friends. I arose disappointed as well. Yet, to be honest, I was far more disappointed in myself and worried about how mad or upset you were at me rather than the opportunity missed. I just can't feel sorry for this forever, though; I need to settle things in order to carry on. That is, with or without you as a continued friend.

If you so desire, I'm willing to talk about this specific post, as well as everything else. This is not an act of passive aggressiveness either, as this post is, insofar as I know, visible to only 3 select people, 2 of which have their minutes numbered. I would be more than happy to make this public to the world or keep it held private. I just didn't know how else to go about getting this across to you -- I figured an outright conversation at this point in time might be dangerous, threatening, and, ultimately, depressing.

Life has been busy. Certainly for both of us. But I certainly miss the potentialities of hanging out, the ramblings of our favorite sport, and the storied history we both share. So I ask for you to just think about what I've said, and if at the end of the week you want to talk, then I'm totally down for talking. Otherwise...good luck with all your future endeavors.

Someone important to me once said this; "You just can't rely on people, no matter who they are. They will always let you down."