Learning to Walk Again

Graduation is in less than 2 weeks. I've got papers to write, things to memorize, and presentations to give. In the middle of it all, I'm dealing with a slight depression, brought on by something I never thought I'd be depressed about: the big change coming in my life, regarding work flow.

I got a taste over the weekend when I took the first actual break since months ago. A break where I didn't actually think about all the things due and what needed to be done tonight and the next night. I sat and was relaxed. Yet...I wasn't relaxed. I was anxious, feeling as though someone was watching me and I was wrong for not doing work in some form. I felt like I was letting someone down, that I was wasting everyone's time.

I used to be able to relax pretty well. This year has been different, as I've had a variety of stresses, that I just haven't given everything up for a night. And now I'm thinking it'll take some getting used to going back to not being deeply involved with something. With no professional job as of right now, I have to focus my energy on something. I mean, I'll always have my demo reels, but in actuality, I may have those finished as early as next week, when I legit have nothing left to do and most people have moved out.

I believe the solution in this problem is found in moderation. I have to slowly test the waters, feel around and make sure I have my footing as I ease into relaxation and the next project. I hope that I will make something of myself in the coming years and I know that I have the talent to do such. But until then, I have to learn how to relax again.

I'm tired of feeling depressed, of feeling like if I'm not doing something, then I'm completely worthless. I know that I will get through this, but I have to fight the desire to just toss it all up again. I have to learn to walk again, before I can run.

The Cesspool of the American College

I've been undercover for a few days, going deeper into the workings of a college "hierarchy," socially speaking. I'm extremely disappointed.

Maybe it's just the college, but it seems like a majority of people never really escape the high school mentality. This doesn't come any clearer than through the business department, who make every class just like the ones in high school -- obnoxious and crude. I hate the jokes and topical natures of this group of people, as they just seem like bodies within suits without souls.

However, most of what I've seen recently comes from the frat circles. Honestly? It's disgusting; I thought for sure the stereotypical male attitude of always wanting sex from multiple partners was just a plot device in 80s movies to make you dislike the antagonist more. Turns out it was all based on true, real people!

Most of my disdain comes from those who make a mockery of monogamy, as they fail to realize the struggles they create within the very person of those they hurt. I don't have much to say, really, as I don't see the merit in delving deeper into specifics, but, please, if you break up with your significant other and then try to get back with them, don't attempt to have a plan B or C -- it never ends well, and, if you were half the capable partner that you might think you are, you'd put all that energy towards your plan A.

Regardless, it seems like shit never changes. Ideals are crushed at the hands of the public, and those that had dreams, dream no longer.